Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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