Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I want her autograph on my taint
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
