i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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