Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
