He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I have peed in a lot of sinks
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
