my vag is so smooth its legendary
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
