she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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