I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
