Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
