lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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