I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
