Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
