My first STD was from a foam party
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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