Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
