The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
