he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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