tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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