Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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