69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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