yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
