I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
