Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
