I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
