Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
