Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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