I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
