my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My dick has a subreddit
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
