ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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