If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
