totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
