i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
