Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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