Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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