i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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