I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
