sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Randomize
