Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
do herpes really smell.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
