We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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