I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
