My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
