His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
