ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
