I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
