Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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