I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
