White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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