and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
