i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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