How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
