id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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