Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
